Secrets

When you have secrets that only you know,
And you feel frustrated with how things go,
You question about what happened before,
If you could ever go back to the triumph galore,
You wanted to ask opinion but your mouth says NO,
Because if you do, it'd no longer be so.

Why do adults like to complicate things?
Because life does not always offer winnings,
Like how season changes from spring,
It feels bitter, but you gotta keep moving,
For there will come the end of these sufferings,
Keep praying and never stop trying.

-evening rants-

2017's Resolutions

With 2017 getting ready to make its grand entrance in a few hours, I am hardly keeping myself together because turning 26 from 25 ain't that easy like it seemed to me.

Well, on a positive note...I managed to get myself some quality time on an early weekend morning to indulge in a retrospection of my deeds, life choices and plans.

Procrastinate no more! Here's my 10 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Be more sociable. Meet new people without having expectations & being judgemental. They will help you to get out of a rut, and you'll surprisingly learn a lot from every single page of 'em. If it turns out bad, you have earned a milestone in the journey. It's the pressure that makes diamonds, aite?

2. Earn more money. You don't only gain money through these side income and freelance jobs but your precious experience too. Contentment is good, but never let it pull your legs and get yourself stuck in the idea of wanting more is being greedy. There are times when I regret not having enough money to buy something my parents would love or need.

3. Be a better daughter and sister. This has never been out of my list and it never will. You can never be a perfect daughter/sister because there's always room for improvements. Especially with these prickly and quick tempered behaviours of mine, the route is seemingly endless.

4. Watch less dramas/tv shows. I rarely find myself being into one, but when I do, I'll get so attached to it. Though they are not calamitous, time wasted on them would have been better spent to make my day more productive. Be selective and find something that you could learn skills or gain knowledge from it. I am currently enjoying Law of The Jungle and it's daebak! 👍🏻

5. Read more. Having said point no 4, this tails closely behind. This time, try to reach out from your usual readings. As for me, I am gonna let myself have a taste of some non-fictionals like politics, psychology, and encyclopedia. I have literally a box of untouched books of the said genres. Bought it from last year's Big Bad Wolf and the seal has been nicely there ever since. *facepalm*

6. Do more supplementary ibadah. Quantity has its way to improve quality and vice versa - at least that's what I believe. Needless to say, this applies to both our vertical and horizontal relationship as they bear no difference in weight for our happiness in the afterlife. The older you get, the harder you'll find to get out of your self-created stagnancy. Hence, leave all noxious excuses behind and get the ball rolling.

7. Lead a healthier life. Staying fit should be one of our priorities as we get older. I am going to avoid consuming greasy and salty food as much as I do going to the hospital. When your body gives signs of waning health, don't overlook them even if they seem insignificant. I've learned from my past mistakes.

8. Owning a property. I have always wanted to buy a good investment property and rent it out to make cash flow. Being financially independent in this crazy-state economy will help to mature my inner self by learning how to deal with people through lease clauses and stuff like that. I have numbers of friends around my age, who started this at an even younger age, and are now enjoying their passive income on monthly basis!

9. Settle down. Like everyone else did.

10. Buying a 2-metre long phone cable. Because I really hate typing this out on a dying-battery phone when I still dont wanna go out of my bed, but the cable frustratingly doesn't reach the plug point just by a split hair.

Life Rants

I wanted to talk to my sisters, so I texted them. But neither of them replied.

So my conclusion is, married sisters are so untouchable. Kaput.

Red Light.

It is tough to feel down with your own self.
It is irritating to have found yourself stuck with your life and not knowing what to do.
It is horrible to see others moving on with their life smoothly when you're lost with no option at all.
It hurts to look at the past that you regretted so much and thought you could've done better that you think would definitely put you in a better situation today.

But none of those beat the frustration of failing to think positively that Allah has planned your life this way to give you more, and what you definitely need.

Desperately in need of sincere prayers that I can make it through this tough period. T_T

Undergraduate Architectural Portfolio

It has been a while since I last uploaded my works here. Office works are getting lesser towards the end of the project, hence the portfolio update - the only thing that can keep me busy without getting caught by the directors. Hope to see those who are architecturally or non-architecturally related would find this piece helpful, beneficial or interesting.

Unless stated otherwise, all works and writings are courtesy of me.

Selected Works from September 2011 - Present

How (I Think) Maturity Changes Me.

They say, maturity comes when you stop making excuses and start making changes. I can't help but to agree to this. One can have all experience in the world, but if they choose not to move forward and keep making the same mistakes instead, they won't grow up. And that is the real price to be an adult. So here are the 5 things that I am slowly trying to adopt into my 25-year-old me.

1. Was once a person who easily blows off when someone wasted my time either by being not punctual, or doing things slothily right before my eyes. Now that there's a lot of things I can do with my phone, waiting has been less burdening than ever. Not saying that I am okay with waiting tho, I still hate it. But I am a little bit calmer now when the situation happens.

2. Slowly getting over from being too much of an OCD person. Used to take a longer time getting myself from bedroom to the kitchen or elsewhere in the house. Because I'd stop to fix the slightly lifted flower wreath on the mirror at the staircase. Then stop again to make sure the table runner is even at both ends. And it went on till I actually reached my destination. I guess, my nephews and nieces are the chill pills that help me a lot on this. You know, house with babies and toddlers can never be as tidy as you want it to be. So keep chilling and play with them!

3. Putting others' needs into monthly financial budget. I feel like I was able to treat myself with good food and clothes during my studying years more than I do these days. Especially when both your parents are retired, you wouldn't want to see them spending money on your sibling(s) who still goes to school when you've already earned money yourself. Or pay the bill when eating out with them. Or pay the gas when you drive them around. And etc2.

4. Weekends are for my family. Do not disturb! Back in the days when I was so comitted to this one NGO body, number of times I saw frustrated faces of my parents when I told them I couldn't attend my cousin's baby's aqiqah, or couldn't stay longer at kampung, or whatever family events were there at that time, with exactly one same reason. That I had to go to a programme. Now, setting my priorities to win both situations is the toughest thing to do, but once I've set them right, I am good to go. One thing that has, since then, been a pillar in my decision-making is, you staying at home doesn't mean you lose your chance to do good deeds.

5. Accepting the fact that my parents are growing older, which should be enough reason for me to always be patient when their overly sensitive nature takes place. It doesn't come easily for the short-tempered me. Seriously, it always frustratingly tires me out. But that's how life is. You've got to force yourself at some point and without you knowing, you've accustomed to that and get better each day. Exactly, they made this "1 mother can take care of 10 children, but 10 children cannot take care of 1 mother" saying for a reason.

Don't Let Your Life be Veiled in Mystery

There is a house in a small village, lived by an old couple with their two daughters. The other 6 children of the couple are mostly married and left the house to live with their spouse. If not, they are elsewhere out of the town studying or working. They only come home during the weekend fortnightly, and sometimes once in a month. The younger sister is too scared to sleep alone, therefore the two share a bedroom on the second floor of the house while their parents use the one on the ground floor. Hence, other rooms in the house are usually empty most of the time.

On one chilly night when everyone had fallen asleep, the elder sister woke up to an unfamiliar sound from the next room. She had no idea what it was so she tried to listen to it very carefully. It was a scratching sound of furniture being pushed on tiled floor! The elder sister was scared to death that she closed her eyes so tightly and read some ayah from the Holy Quran until she unbeknownstly fell to her sleep again. The next morning, she opened the next room's door only to see it was all in tidy and neat condition. She decided not to make any slip of the tongue on what happened that night, nevertheless. Not to the parents, neither to the younger sister.

Few nights later, when the two sisters were getting ready for bed, the younger one  in out of the blue told her elder sister that she felt like sleeping downstairs with their parents and asked if she's okay with that. The elder sister who has been acting brave and sound, suddenly lost her guts imagining herself alone in the room throughout the whole night, to where she replied that the younger sister was acting childish and asked her to behave. And so they stayed in the room....

The room got darker and darker as the night went-by while the blown-off bulb of the bedlamps from two days before had not been replaced just yet. The elder sister was in her bed trying very hard to fall asleep but her eyes just wouldn't allow. Suddenly, she heard someone getting off the bed and jumped onto hers. Felt like losing her life in a flash, she finally got back to her senses after she realized that it was her younger sister wanting to sleep next to her. Seeing how icy cold her younger sister's hands were, she asked her if anything happens. The younger sister said she was too scared to talk about it. The elder sister then checked on her phone to look at the time. It was only an hour past midnight. The night they were having was still long way to go before the dawn, so she decided to take her younger sister to the parents' room and sleep there until the sun rises.

The next day, the elder sister asked her younger sister again to tell her on what actually happened that night. She said that she had been having a hard time falling asleep recently and that she felt extra uneasy last night which was why she asked the elder sister to sleep downstairs. As true as her gut was telling her, that same night when she was still struggling  to sleep, she felt like a hand with long nails was slowly running on her palm. That was when she got insanely scared and before she knew it, she had already jumped off her bed...... 

Because Islamic Banking and Finance is not my thing

I was scrolling the phone mindlessly when my brother-in-law came and sat on the opposite couch. Only two of us were there in the living room.

Dead silent the atmosphere was, I started off a conversation to break through the cricket's krikk-ing sound after a good topic popped out on my mind. 

He whom I see as someone who earns good money and has better knowledge in Islam than the rest in the house, had just got back home with a new-but-doesn't-quite-look-like-it (read: second-hand) car. So rather than having an empty chat, it slowly headed towards what I prefered it to be - an intellectual discourse. While I was at it, one-line questions were just not enough to shoosh my curiousness away. Hence I deliberately extended the initiated topic to the next level.

Done sentencising my words as I scared it could be of his sensitivities, I carefully asked him why wouldn't he buy a new car when his former second-hand car had costed him big amount of money on maintanence (lots of time I saw him failing to start the engine). Or buy an imported one of which best known for their excellent performance. With his salary, he could easily afford a 6-digit worth of car. But instead, he bought a used Proton by lump sum.

And here were his answers and explanations: 

1) He doesn't want to live a life surrounded by debts. It takes years for middle-class people to settle their today's-must loans - house loan, car loan, study loan and etc. No one knows when they are going to die, so passing a tremendous sum of debts as inheritances to his kids is just as cruel as physically abusing them.

2) He sees no problem with driving a second-hand car. The maintenance issue seems a bit too small to a man who used to work in a workshop in his teenage days. Well he practically knows everything about car. So point 2 is kinda invalid.

3) It is undeniable that he too, has desires on worldly materials. Cool outfits, big cars, luxurious bungalow, etc2. But he wants to keep everything down to earth, so he'd be able to walk looking at his toes. While owning things that make people glance at us twice will toughen our road towards staying humble, he chooses to stay with his 'motor kapcai' from his matric year and still rides it to work. 

4) Last but not least, the subtle involvement with riba' when making loans. Car loans, house loans. You name it all. Unless you are a millionaire, never think of having decent car and house without signing loan's agreement.

So the conversation went on with me questioning him over and over again. Point 4 seemed arguable at that moment, thus I picked him on that. I said, Bank Islam is riba' free so why didn't he? Abah is an ex-manager of Bank Islam, hence explaining on how is Bank Islam safe from interest-based profit making and that how is it different from other conventional banks is something at his very own finger tips.

Previously when being asked, Abah was saying that they charge no interest, rather, they take share of profits. But sadly, I can't totally relate this to paying loans higher than what we were actually lent. Of which my brother-in-law's reply made me ponder upon my life-asset plannings - that loan shall never be made profit out it. You lend RM10, you get back RM10. Sounds seemingly true. But arghhh, how then would the majority middle-class Malaysians be able to own a house and a car while staying free from riba'?

Need to start digging into this further.

My wish

I wish, 

I could forever be a kid,

Who had the right to be pampered.

Who would never feel bad about it.

I wish, 

I could never be an adult,

Who had her pride to not seek others' help,

Unless she really needed it.

I wish, 

I wouldn't grow older,

As being it makes me feel,

Troubling my parents isn't a right thing to do.

I wish,

I had not gone abroad.

Spending years in a foreign land, 

Thousand miles away from the family had me kept all my struggles inside. 

Because the sight of them being worry while not being able to be by my side, 

Would only double my pain.

I wish,

My face could show how scared I am.

But the macho side of me just won't allow.

Barely understood the things that have been messing with my body,

I hate Biology even more.

I wish, 

My parents would ask me twice when I said no to their first.

It might take a few more before a yes comes out from my mouth. 

But just keep asking.

I wish,

I could be more mature.

Being a childish me, I am now,

My heart never matches with my mind.

What more my body. Frustrating.

And with that, 

I ended up being alone in the ward, on the day before Ramadhan. 

Writing my heart out, 

on a nobody-read blog.

May Allah ease my feeling. 

Few more hours before going in the operation theatre. Allah is with those who remember Him. Hopefully the fasting doctors are more than good to go.

Hospital Sungai Buloh.

17/6/2015, 3.00pm

Drama

Dalam banyak-banyak waktu hati ni merindukan kakyu,
Malam ni paling membuak-buak rasa itu.

Entahlah...
Mungkin sebab tiba-tiba merasa masa berlari terlalu laju.
Tengok kalendar rupa-rupanya 12 hari lagi genap 6 bulan pemergian kakyu.
Macam tak percaya dah hampir setengah tahun berlalu.

Mungkin juga sebab kebelakangan ni drama yang berlaku terlalu banyak.
Macam slot Akasia, Zehra dan yang seangkatannya punya babak.
Tapi bila fikir-fikir balik, memang boleh buat orang tergelak.

Bila abang ipar bakal sekali lagi menjadi abang ipar.
Dan tangis kakak yang paling aku rapat...hanya aku yang dengar.

Bila aku bertanya 'Betul ke ni tak apa?'
Dia kata, rilekslah. Asalkan yang lain boleh ketawa.

Selalu juga syaitan jahat mencucuk-cucuk hati.
Suruh bertanya pada Dia, kenapa cerita kami macam ni.
Alhamdulillah, lidah mampu beristighfar lagi.

Tapi betul, bukan senang nak tetapkan hati untuk terus redha.
Hari ni menerima, esok lusa mempersoal semula.

Yang susahnya bila kadang-kadang Haziq buat perangai,
Title 'anak yatim' selalu jadi perisai.
Antara nak mendidik atau kesian, tak tahu macam mana nak nilai.

Yang pasti, bukan aku seorang je rindu.
Bila Haziq tiba-tiba panggil 'mama' tanpa sebab, siapa yang tak sayu?
Cuma masing-masing buat-buat tak tahu.

Moga Allah kurniakan hidayah dan kekuatan.
Untuk terus berdepan dengan dugaan,
Kerana tak lain tak bukan,
Tu semua untuk menguji tahapan iman.

Al-Fatihah

0106 HR
10032015

Yang Spontan Itu.

Akhlak itu adalah yang apa spontan dari kita.

Jadi, jika yang spontan bila penat dan letih itu adalah keluhan,
maka terpamerlah pekerti kurang sabar kita.

Tapi jika yang spontan itu adalah rasa redha dan berdoa agar Allah memberi kekuatan,
terdidiklah akhlak seorang mukmin itu dalam diri.

Betul ia adalah spontan, tapi yang spontan itu kan munculnya dari kebiasaan juga?
Jadi ubatnya, BIASAkan. Biasakan diri dengan akhlak Rasulullah.

"Wahai Rasulullah, siapakah hamba Allah yang dicintaiNya? 
Nabi menjawab: Orang yang baik akhlaknya."

Mohon doakan akhlak diri ini sentiasa elok sebagai jaminan cinta dan syurga Allah.
InsyaAllah. Amin.

*Lesson learnt today*

Yuri

Today,
I shed my tears.
Once again.
The last time was ermm...
just on the verge?
Like feeling choked-up.

But yeah..
Architecture has always been harsh to me.
I came here knowing it.
So, it wasn't because of the rejected plans.
Neither was the vague design concept.
Just because...

Just because she said..
"It's so stressful! How do we secure a first class degree when the structures are going nowhere and the preparations for exhibition are killing me."
I said, "Well, I guess I should be more panicking then. I keep changing the plans when others have already started on the roof and I cannot have a start on the exhibition yet."

And the last few words from her who I have known for half a decade,
before I stood up and unknowingly walked away.
"Have you ever tried lending an ear to someone without talking back about your situation?"

Those word hurt. Broke my heart into pieces.
It's the same as saying, "You are not a good listener to your friends, buddy!"
Uh-umm. I am a fragile thing.
I know.
And I regret it.

Are we staying in the box?

18012014

Allah ciptakan manusia dengan sifat suka mengeluh dan tergesa-gesa.
Sounds negative eh?
Tapi cuba bayangkan kalau tiada yang mengeluh memikirkan masalah umat.
Apa jadi jika tiada rasa tergesa-gesa dalam membina diri sendiri untuk umat?
Manusia akan menjadi terlalu layback dan rasa indah dalam comfort zone mereka sendiri.

Meaningful pieces of words.

*suits the blog's name well*

You know something's going just not right when your 16-year old sister tends to grin alone, and very often that she has her phone with her whenever that happens.

Been through that stage of life. Well, they say experience is the best teacher. Indeed.

So this so-the-very-called cheap spy instinct of yours pops up, and before you know it, you are already scrolling through her conversation boxes all the way down to the first message. And there goes your x-file case study. Not a single word in the box is left unread.

Toes curled-up. Arm hairs stand on end. Goosebumps overpowering the body.

Serve you right. Now the experienced you are screwed up, not knowing what's the best approach to be taken and best advice to be given. Puahaha!

# I remember during my visit to Raudhatus Sakinah the other day, I learnt that all it takes to get get a girl is by being sweet. Yes. Girls get swayed to sweet words too easily. I've even talked to a 13-year old mother, who is at the same age as my youngest sister! Allah, how different our lives could be as You want them be. And that adik said this to me "Men's words are nothing but trashes". How I wish she could talk her story out but she just didn't want to. So I let her be, because I know she has been through a lot to get to where she is now, forgetting all the black memories of her life which ain't easy thing! Well, my du'a goes along with her, hoping that she can see the world differently, and Allah guides her down the dunya and akhirah's lives. And 'your' sister as well, of course. Say ameen.

I haven't done much for them.

I wonder what are my British and other non-muslim  friends' thoughts on the issue in Egypt.

#Because they are within my circle, and I care.

Sesungguhnya Aku Dekat

That moment when you were looking for someone to talk to,
wanting to have someone to listen to your problems so desperately,

And suddenly a very soft voice whispers in the ear,
"Didn't I tell you 'fainni qorib'?"

O Allah, your slave broke her promise again. T_T
Astaghfirullah.

of Mid June 2013

Right before my name was called upon.

Late morning in the MSA studio, 18th June 2013, 11:30:00

Will: Siti,come on up!

Me : Yes Will, coming!

Heavy steps were taken up to the mezzanine. Cold sweats broke on the face.Heart was pounding really hard...

and that studio tutor of mine, Mr Will Stewart was holding a piece of A4 sheet. The eyes started to get teary.

"Allah..Allah! I can't bear to see the sheet. And so, I sincerely beg You for some strength, that I could accept whatever grade written on it with all my heart because I believe it is from no one but You."

That's how nervous I was when my 2nd-year result was about to be handed out. I've never felt so unconfident in my whole student's life like I was on that day. As I walked towards Will, I covered my face with a book just so he couldn't see the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Me : I know I did bad. I'm sorry, Will.

That were the first sentences. Crap! I forgot to greet him.

Will: How do you know you did bad? There must be reasons for that. (small laugh) 

        Have a sit first, Siti. How are you doing?

Me : (sit) I'm doing good. Sorry, I was rude. I'm...I'm just too nervous.

Will: Naa, it's alright love. So tell me, what makes you lose your confidence? 

       You must have done something you shouldn't to be feeling like this. Yes?

Me : (deep sigh) It would sound like an excuse, but I really, really had no enough time. 

        There were 4 submissions in a very same week and I had no idea which one should come first.

        I know Siobhan has told us number of times that the portfolio gives the most percentage 

        among those four. I was wrong, I am sorry.

Will: (hand me the result slip) I give you an _. 

Me : Alhamdulillah, thank God! Thanks Will!!

*****************************************************

And there went our long, funny conversation. We talked about our summer plans, Malaysia, and etc. Well, he gave me homeworks; to visit and to follow architect/engineer/contractor around the construction sites during my summer break in Malaysia. "Drawing them on paper/CAD is different from what they are being built on site" he said.

SubhanaAllah walhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah. Sujud syukur only to Allah who has given me another chance to be His grateful slave. You took the 350 pound ticket away, but You gave me that grade in return. You postponed my vacation to the Land of Your Prophets, but You give me the chance to be one of Your guests in Baitullah and to give salam to Your Messenger, sallallahu a'laihi wassalam. 

I couldn't ask for more. May You accept all my good deeds and forgive all my sins in the past and in the future.

7 days to the DAY.

With great power comes great responsibility: Batman is it?

Image courtesy of Google

My ongoing project is about playhouse. British playhouse.
So, these past few weeks...been reading lots and lots of books and magazines.
About playhouse and theater of course.
(sampai terabai bacaan lain yang perlu)
As far as the readings are done, not a single book forgets to mention about how the seating area (in the auditorium) should be organized and designed.
Location of exclusive seating must be positioned nearer to the stage,
with comfortable eye level (not too high and not too low).
To another collection of information, high-class people should be given wide range of  seating options since they pay more for that.
Wow, impressive~ This is getting interesting.

And Allah swears by our soul in Asy-Syams:

" ...And [by] the soul and He who proportioned it, And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness..." [91:7-8]


Same goes to us. These souls of ours, have been given options to choose, and the options are given only after the souls are completed. Whether we choose to follow  the fasiq or taqwa.
Which means, amongst His creatures, we are those 'high-class people' abids.
The sun, the moon, the sky, the earth and all His other creatures that He has sworn upon...
none of them were given the same opportunity as we are. They are Islam without choice.
We human have a power to make a choice, and with that power....comes great responsibility.

So, let's ask Allah for His guidance in making the choice and responsibility, insyaAllah.
Read the title once again. Correct me if it's not.
*okbai*

Of Site Plan

SNAF White Water Project : Copyright © 2012

'Site Plan' itu sifatnya menerima.
Bersedia untuk sebarang perubahan yang bakal berlaku.
Yang masih diperlukan, kekal di dalamnya.
Yang tidak, dibuang, diubah, ditambah.
Resmi hidup. Moga terus tabah berdepan dengan perubahan.

Do well adik! Allah is with you.
6-year age gap does make me think of you as a young, immature kid.
Been in the situation, gone through that feeling of 'nak balik rumah!!!'
Hang in there dik cause I know how it feels like to be separated with ma abah.
I love you, and so do ma abah and others~

Kakcah is missing everyone :'(